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Post by Stan Butler on Jul 29, 2006 15:45:58 GMT
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"  Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!". A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." That'll do for now! ;D |
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Post by Lieutenant Columbo on Jul 29, 2006 20:06:59 GMT
Here's some from my collection - enjoy (if you can!)
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
;D
N.
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Post by moriarty on Aug 27, 2006 18:33:33 GMT
A couple went to a pet shop and ended up buying a lion (as you do). The shop owner had told them that unfortunately the lion had an odd allergy to wet weather and that raindrops would actually hurt it.
One day the lion was outside when the couple heard cries form the garden. "What's that noise?" asked the man. "It's the lion", his wife replied, "it's roaring with pain."
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Post by moriarty on Aug 27, 2006 18:51:04 GMT
Al Gore's drums Before Al Gore was American Vice President - in fact, even before he became involved in politics - he spent some time as a drummer for a small band playing in local clubs. He was in fact quite a good drummer, and he developed quite a reputation for his impressive drum solos. Some of his routines were incredible for their mathematical precision. They became known as the Al-Gore-rythms  |
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Post by moriarty on Aug 27, 2006 19:00:27 GMT
This piece of string walks into a bar. But before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! String! We don't serve your sort in here." Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides to leave, running for the door. Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a drink anywhere. He's all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being thrown out of so many bars. Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even more and contorts himself even more. As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! You!" Looking carefully, he asks "Are you a piece of string?" the piece of string says "No, I'm a frayed knot." sorry it think all this being on line lark has gone to me head!!  |
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Post by Stan Butler on Aug 27, 2006 20:01:32 GMT
This piece of string walks into a bar. But before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! String! We don't serve your sort in here." Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides to leave, running for the door. Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a drink anywhere. He's all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being thrown out of so many bars. Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even more and contorts himself even more. As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out "Hey! You!" Looking carefully, he asks "Are you a piece of string?" the piece of string says "No, I'm a frayed knot." sorry it think all this being on line lark has gone to me head!!  I love that joke. Could never remember exactly how to tell it. Thanks for the reminder. ;D |
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Post by Stan Butler on Sept 17, 2006 10:20:54 GMT
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The
bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had
finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man
tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below. The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five
church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment
before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
...... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"
WAIT! WAIT! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in
this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second
tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.
What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but..."
HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."
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Post by BobbyRazzle on Sept 19, 2006 16:36:53 GMT
How much does a cockney spend on shampoo?
Panténe.
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Post by BobbyRazzle on Sept 25, 2006 10:23:04 GMT
There were these two blokes having a sword fight on this main road, the A58...
Another man watching them says to his mate...
"What are them two doing?"
his mate says...
"They're having a sword fight..... It's a dual carriage-way!
BLOODY BELTIN'
;D
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Post by Lieutenant Columbo on Sept 25, 2006 19:47:25 GMT
Helps if you spelled it "duel" - it confused me!
;D
N.
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Post by Stan Butler on Sept 25, 2006 20:39:31 GMT
Helps if you spelled it "duel" - it confused me! ;D N. Leave Bobby alone. You know what he meant!  |
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Post by Lieutenant Columbo on Sept 26, 2006 20:04:31 GMT
I did!
AND I'm heckling!!!
"Yer a good act... but yer on too long!!!"
There I go again!
;D
N.
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Post by BobbyRazzle on Dec 16, 2006 17:42:26 GMT
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo. He was playing 'Dancing Queen' on it. I thought that's aboriginal!
;D
Did you hear about the lorry full of tortoises which collided with a van full of terrapins?
It was a turtle disaster!
;D
I went to the doctor the other day. I told him I'm frightened of lapels.
He said "You've got 'Cholera'!"
;D
I went to buy a goldfish the other day. The chap in the shop asked if I'd like an aquarium?
I said "I'm not bothered what star sign it is!"
;D
Bloody betltin' them!
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Post by BobbyRazzle on Dec 29, 2006 18:04:14 GMT
Another one for you all. Bit of a long one but has a beltin' punchline..... This chap went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor....I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA". "That's interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor. The bloke says "Alreet then." And sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA". After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this chap, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this chap's farts say "HONDA." Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guys mouth and examining it. The dentist says "Aha!!....I know what the problem is." "What is it?" ask the chap "Please tell me doc..." The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth." The chap says "Right, but what's that got to do with my farts?" The dentist replies, "Cant you see??..... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA" |
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