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Post by The Collector on Nov 24, 2008 11:56:46 GMT
While I was in Sainsbury's today, I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread. But when I took a closer look, it said "Thick Cut " ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Post by Mr Levity on Nov 24, 2008 19:50:37 GMT
Some bloke knocked on my door this morning and said :" Do you want your shed retarred ?"
I said no, and when I got home he'd taken the f*cker !
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Post by Mr Levity on Nov 26, 2008 19:55:41 GMT
A nurse goes into the bank after a long shift. She's goes to sign a cheque, only to find she's holding a rectal thermometer.
"B*llocks" she says, "some arsehole's got my biro !"
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Post by Mr Levity on Jun 8, 2009 20:12:47 GMT
This one is a good one, but is obviously better when received in text form.
Are you male or female?
To find out look down.
I said look down, not scroll down, you muppet !
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Post by sheilaswheels on Jun 16, 2009 20:34:26 GMT
Life before Computers ..... Memory was something you lost with age, An application was for employment, A programme was a show on tv, A cursor was someone who swears a lot, A keyboard was a piano, A web was a spiders home, A virus was the flu, A hard drive was a long trip down the motorway, A mouse pad was where a mouse lived, And if you had a 3-inch floppy ...... well you just hoped and prayed that no one found out.    |
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Post by Zoot on Sept 3, 2009 11:52:17 GMT
A guy gets on a plane with 6 kids.
A woman says "Awwwwww, are these your kids?"
"No," he says, "I work for Durex. These are customer complaints"
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Post by Stan Butler on Sept 8, 2009 22:32:31 GMT
"old Macdonald had tourrettes, E-I-E-I c*nt!"
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Post by Zoot on Sept 9, 2009 15:10:01 GMT
Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation
Things that are down right impossible to say when drunk:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing Karaoke!
;D
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Post by Mr Levity on Nov 7, 2009 23:18:45 GMT
Breast men: when shopping at your local supermarket, skip the first aisle and go against the flow. Arse man follow the normal route.  |
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Post by henri993 on Nov 30, 2009 13:35:04 GMT
Got this last week [caution football related humour]
Dear John and Edward,
Your ability to win over the public and even simon cowell has made me look up to you. i hope you may be able to share your serets with me, you are shite week after week, but week on surviving. I am in a similar position and need your help and advice.
Yours truly,
Rafa Benitez
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Post by Stan Butler on Mar 23, 2010 21:52:16 GMT
This is the only clean non racist joke I've received today.... Why does a chicken sit on an egg? Because it doesn't have a chair! |
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Post by Mr Levity on Jan 7, 2012 20:58:34 GMT
French breast implant company PIP are going to remove thousands of useless tits. Hang in there sunshine, I won't tell them where you live.
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Post by Stan Butler on Jan 8, 2012 14:22:09 GMT
What has glasses and ruins your life?
The bar I met my wife in
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Post by Stan Butler on Jan 16, 2012 21:35:04 GMT
Lionel Richie has cancelled his forthcoming gigs on cruise liners.
Apparently, 'Dancing on the Ceiling' doesn't have the same appeal anymore.
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Post by Mr Levity on Jan 17, 2012 20:59:36 GMT
I walked in on my mother in law having a bath yesterday as she was stopping with us for a short while.
After months of simmering tension between us, this was the opportunity I had been waiting for and before we knew it, one thing had led to another and I couldn't stop myself.
I drowned her.
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