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Post by Reneekittycat on Oct 17, 2006 23:41:47 GMT
I wouldn't call this parrot joke the funniest in the world, but it's got to be second.
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".
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Post by moriarty on Oct 17, 2006 23:58:22 GMT
how about this one
there was this vicar who was given this beautyfull parrot by a sailor
there was only one small problem the parrots language could turn the air blue at fifty pace so the vicar being a patient understanding man tryed to teach the parrot some manners
every morning the vicar would come down to breakfast and greet the parot "good morning parrot what a beautyfull morning"
and every day the reply would be the same a barage of fowl language for a good 3 minutes at least
this went on for months and the vicars temper was geting shorter and shorter
eventualy one morning he came downt to breakfast and greeted the parrot as usual "good morning parrot beautyfull morning"
the parrot repyed in his usual fashion swearing and blaspheming for all he was worth
well the vicar had had enough he lost his temper
he grabed the parrot by the throat
he throught it up to the cealing
down on the floor bonced it off the walls and thew it back into its cage
then he said
"beautyfull morrning eh parrot"
the parrot locking rather dazed stagred to his feet and replyed
"where thehell were you wene the hurricane struck"
(thats one of my dads favorits)
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Post by The Collector on Oct 18, 2006 12:48:53 GMT
About time you posted that one!
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Post by moriarty on Oct 18, 2006 12:51:57 GMT
took me a wile to remember the punch line!!
which is always usefull wene your telling a joke!
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Post by The Collector on Oct 18, 2006 12:56:14 GMT
 Here's a spare |
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Post by moriarty on Jan 11, 2007 2:18:15 GMT
The Brothel Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
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Post by larffalot on Jan 16, 2007 3:30:12 GMT
In his sermon the vicar mentioned the pair of parrots he kept at the vicarage - his boys, he called them. Not only were they well-behaved and decent, when they spoke they only said Bible quotations and for the rest of the time they had their eyes closed in deep, deep prayer and supplication.
After the service a woman explained that she had rescued two female parrots from a brothel shut down by the police, but they were foul-mouthed and disgusting. The vicar agreed to try and improve them and the lady took the cage round and put it next to the boys. Sure enough, the boys were deep, deep in prayer and did not notice anything.
A few minutes later, one of the female parrots, now settled, shouted "Hello, dearie, wanna good time then, ay? wanna see my knickers?"
The other joined in: "Yea show us what you've got!"
One of the boy parrots opened one eye, took a look and shuffled along the perch to his pal.
"Don't look now," he whispered, "but I think our prayers have finally been answered."
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Post by Charlie Moonlight on Feb 1, 2007 12:09:51 GMT
And now... THE GREATEST PARROT JOKE
IN THE WORLD.... EVER!There was this bloke who had a pet parrot. All this parrot could say was "Who is it?!"......anyway, this one time the bloke goes off to work. A bit later on there was a knock at the door. The parrot said "WHO IS IT?", The man said "It`s the plumber, I`ve come to mend your pipes So the parrot said... "WHO IS IT?", The man said "It`s the plumber, I`ve come to mend your pipes, will you let me in please.", And the parrot said "WHO IS IT?", Man says "It`s the plumber, I`ve come to mend your pipes, will you let me in,...please!"..... The parrot says "WHO IS IT?"..... Man says "It`s er.....the plumber, I`ve come to mend your pipes, will you let me in please!", .........Parrot says "WHO IS IT?" ......Man says. (angrily)..."It`s the plumber.......I`ve come to mend your pipes, will you let me in......Please!" .......... And the parrot says "WHO IS IT?"...... Anyway, this went on for hours. Screaming and shouting at each other, until eventually, the man's blood pressure got the better of him and...wallop....Dead!, he had an heart attack... He lay there on the floor.... Later on the man of the house got home from work and saw this bloke laying there on the floor dead, the man of the house said "Who is it?", The parrot said "It`s the plumber, he`s come to mend your pipes!!!"  Blinding joke that. Works better if you milk it for about a week! |
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solo
Heckler
Posts: 51
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Post by solo on Feb 14, 2007 0:40:19 GMT
Repetition
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Post by moriarty on Sept 2, 2008 12:46:28 GMT
 :On the first day of creation, God created the parrot. :On the second day, God created man to serve the parrot. :On the third day, God created all the vegetables and nuts of the earth to serve as potential food for the parrot. :On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the parrot. :On the fifth day, God created cables and ropes so that the parrot could chew through them. :On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the parrot healthy and the man broke. :On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to clean the parrot cages...  |
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Post by Mr Levity on Sept 2, 2008 21:00:49 GMT
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Post by Stan Butler on Sept 3, 2008 10:35:45 GMT
;D
Good one Mr. Levity
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