Post by Mr Levity on Feb 7, 2009 21:53:59 GMT
I have a dare for you all. Tell this joke. Simple really.
I heard this joke over twenty years ago and have only had a few opportunities (thank God or whoever you believe in) to tell it. It's not really one that can be told somewhere like here, it's better (or worse) told in person. Hence the challenge.
It comes in three parts and if you can, leave a long gap between parts one and three.
Part 1:(and boy will you have to be brave to try telling this bit ;D)
A lorry driver has to take a special order of 2000 hand-made bricks from a factory in Cornwall to a site in Glasgow.
The journey there is uneventful and he arrives tired but happy. The site Forman tells him to go and have a break in the canteen while they unload the bricks.
After an hour's break he comes out to find the bricks in neat piles and hears the Forman counting:
"One thousand nine hundred and ninety eight, one thousand nine hundred and ninety nine, two thousand, two thousand and one."
The Forman scratches his head. "That's the second time I've counted them and I still make it 2001. You'll have to take the odd one back."
The drive looks at him incredulously. "No mate, it's OK, you can keep it. Nobody is going to worry about one extra brick, and you might need it."
"No" says the Forman, "I've already allowed for any breakages. We've paid for two thousand bricks and I really can't take it." With this he puts the brick in the back of the lorry and the driver, shaking his head, drives off the site.
He drives a few miles with the brick banging the sides of the lorry every time he goes round a bend, getting more and more annoyed. After a few more miles he gets so angry that he stops the lorry on a bridge and throws the brick over the edge.
Part 2:(The distraction, tell as quickly as possible after the first bit, it may save your life !)
A nun and a punk on a train. The punk is eating prawns. The punk is eating in a disgusting manner and throwing the bits on the floor.
The nun says to him: "Young man, please pick up your rubbish."
"F*ck off" says the punk.
The nun gets up and pulls the communication cord. The train screeches to a halt and the punk looks at the nun in horror.
"You'll get a £50 fine for that" he says.
The nun looks at him smugly and says: "And you'll get 50 years when they smell your fingers !!!"
Part 3:
An elderly lady and her tiny dog get on a train to visit her daughter. After few stops a huge Texan gets on the train and lights up an equally huge cigar.The carriage is soon filled with an acrid cloud, and being English the rest of the passengers ignore the problem while trying not to die of asphyxiation. The old lady, however, is made of sterner stuff and looks him straight in the eye.
"That filthy thing is making the whole carriage stink. Can't you see that you're upsetting everyone else in the carriage "
The Texan carries on puffing, then says: "Well, M'am, I can't stand little dogs mahself. How about you get rid of the dog and then I'll get rid of the cigar ?"
To his utter surprise, the old lady picks up the dog, opens the window and drops the dog out.
The Texan is stunned, but being a man of his word, opens the other window and drops the cigar out.
Half an hour later the train draws into the old lady's station and she gets off. She waits for a few minutes and then smiles happily as she sees her little dog running along the track.
Guess what he had in his mouth ?
If you've left a long enough gap between parts 1 and 3 everyone will of course say "The cigar".
To which you reply: "NO, THE BRICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good luck. And NO, you can't come round to my house to kill me, 'cos you don't know where I live !
I heard this joke over twenty years ago and have only had a few opportunities (thank God or whoever you believe in) to tell it. It's not really one that can be told somewhere like here, it's better (or worse) told in person. Hence the challenge.
It comes in three parts and if you can, leave a long gap between parts one and three.
Part 1:(and boy will you have to be brave to try telling this bit ;D)
A lorry driver has to take a special order of 2000 hand-made bricks from a factory in Cornwall to a site in Glasgow.
The journey there is uneventful and he arrives tired but happy. The site Forman tells him to go and have a break in the canteen while they unload the bricks.
After an hour's break he comes out to find the bricks in neat piles and hears the Forman counting:
"One thousand nine hundred and ninety eight, one thousand nine hundred and ninety nine, two thousand, two thousand and one."
The Forman scratches his head. "That's the second time I've counted them and I still make it 2001. You'll have to take the odd one back."
The drive looks at him incredulously. "No mate, it's OK, you can keep it. Nobody is going to worry about one extra brick, and you might need it."
"No" says the Forman, "I've already allowed for any breakages. We've paid for two thousand bricks and I really can't take it." With this he puts the brick in the back of the lorry and the driver, shaking his head, drives off the site.
He drives a few miles with the brick banging the sides of the lorry every time he goes round a bend, getting more and more annoyed. After a few more miles he gets so angry that he stops the lorry on a bridge and throws the brick over the edge.
Part 2:(The distraction, tell as quickly as possible after the first bit, it may save your life !)
A nun and a punk on a train. The punk is eating prawns. The punk is eating in a disgusting manner and throwing the bits on the floor.
The nun says to him: "Young man, please pick up your rubbish."
"F*ck off" says the punk.
The nun gets up and pulls the communication cord. The train screeches to a halt and the punk looks at the nun in horror.
"You'll get a £50 fine for that" he says.
The nun looks at him smugly and says: "And you'll get 50 years when they smell your fingers !!!"
Part 3:
An elderly lady and her tiny dog get on a train to visit her daughter. After few stops a huge Texan gets on the train and lights up an equally huge cigar.The carriage is soon filled with an acrid cloud, and being English the rest of the passengers ignore the problem while trying not to die of asphyxiation. The old lady, however, is made of sterner stuff and looks him straight in the eye.
"That filthy thing is making the whole carriage stink. Can't you see that you're upsetting everyone else in the carriage "
The Texan carries on puffing, then says: "Well, M'am, I can't stand little dogs mahself. How about you get rid of the dog and then I'll get rid of the cigar ?"
To his utter surprise, the old lady picks up the dog, opens the window and drops the dog out.
The Texan is stunned, but being a man of his word, opens the other window and drops the cigar out.
Half an hour later the train draws into the old lady's station and she gets off. She waits for a few minutes and then smiles happily as she sees her little dog running along the track.
Guess what he had in his mouth ?
If you've left a long enough gap between parts 1 and 3 everyone will of course say "The cigar".
To which you reply: "NO, THE BRICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Good luck. And NO, you can't come round to my house to kill me, 'cos you don't know where I live !