in a bar...

[BobbyRazzle]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

The barman tells her, "You don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without."

The woman says "So how can I make my tits bigger without having surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them." replies the barman.

"How does that make them bigger?" she asks

"I don't know, but it worked for your arse love!"




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This fella walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the bog. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"



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A fella limps into a bar with a walking stick and a crocodile. The barman stops him and says "Hoy, you can't bring that crocodile in here, they not allowed!"

So the fella says, "But this crocodile here does a bloody beltin trick..."

The barman says "Well OK then , lets see the trick..."

So the fella whips out his dick and shoves it in the crocodile's mouth. He then takes his walking stick and starts bashing the crocodile over the head with it. A crowd watches and is surprised when he pulls out his dick without a single mark.

The fella looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"

An old lady raises her hand and says..."I'll try love, but don't hit me over the head so hard!"



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There was this fella in the pub totally p*ssed . He staggered over to the bog to take a p*ss, whipping his dick out as he went in the door. He didn't realise he'd strolled into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the bog.

"This is for ladies!" she screamed.
The p*ssed fella waved his dick at her and said "So's this love!"


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Bloody beltin!

[Stan Butler]

A bloke walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"

[Mr Levity]

The M42 was sitting in a bar minding his own business when a strip of tarmac strolled in.

The M42 hid under a table, and the barman stares in disbelief.

Half an hour later the tarmac walks out again, and the barman looks under the table.

"'Ere, what's a great big motorway like you doing cowering under the table because of a strip of tarmac ?"

"You keep away from him" says the M42, "he's a cycle path."