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Post by Stan Butler on Jun 18, 2006 13:14:51 GMT
 I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.' A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books!' A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot." I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure. I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' FANK YOU VERY MUCH! |
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Post by bluebottle on Jun 18, 2006 18:02:18 GMT
"I remember the first time I ever saw my wife."
"I saw her standing at the other end of crowded night club."
"She stood there and rolled her eye's at me."
"So I picked em up and rolled em back.."
"You know my feet are killin me."
"Every night they are grabbing me by the throat."
"I was cleaning out the loft the other day when I found a Painting & a Violin."
"I took them to be valued and the man said."
"What you have got there is a Picasso and Stradivarius"
"I said really"
"He said yes but Stradivarius couldn't paint."
"And Picasso made rubbish Violins."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Stan Butler on Sept 15, 2006 17:11:11 GMT
 I had a drink earlier.
The barman said "Do you always drink whisky neat?"
I said "No, sometimes I take my tie off and let my shirt hang out!"
My wife said to me this morning "You'll drive me to my grave"
I had the car out in two minutes!
I went to the dentist.
He said "Your teeth are alright but your gums'll have to come out!"
I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once and it died!
The producer of this show is a nice fella.
He nearly bought me a drink once!
My teeth itch.
A friend in need, is a pest, get rid of him
It's all about mind over matter
If I don't mind, you don't matter.
My wife phoned me earlier. She said "There's water in the carburetor"
I said "where's the car?"
She said "In the river!"
Isn't it hot!
It's the heat that does it.  |
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Post by The Collector on Sept 15, 2006 17:36:21 GMT
I know wot you've been watching!
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Post by Stan Butler on Sept 15, 2006 19:15:32 GMT
I wonder how you worked that out!
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gareth
Canned Laughter
Posts: 269
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Post by gareth on Sept 16, 2006 12:31:31 GMT
tommy cooper he is class
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Post by funkdooby on Sept 16, 2006 18:43:41 GMT
Police arrested two lads yesterday, one for eating fireworks and the other for drinking battery acid. They charged one and let the other one off ;D
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Post by Lieutenant Columbo on Sept 16, 2006 18:50:30 GMT
Police arrested two lads yesterday, one for eating fireworks and the other for drinking battery acid. They charged one and let the other one off ;D ;D I got some bugger at work with that one the other week! And that woman... 67. Doing 90 on the M6! Police chasing her... And... She was KNITTING whilst driving! "Pull over" shouts the copper. "No... they're socks" she says! ;D N. |
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Post by Stan Butler on Sept 16, 2006 22:59:27 GMT
I went to the doctor.
I told him I'd broke my arm in three places.
he said "Well don't go to those places"
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