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Post by Stan Butler on Jan 1, 2007 16:34:11 GMT
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman all walk into a bar, the barman shouts "Is this Some kind of a joke?"
;D
An Englishman, Irishman, and Scottishman were all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!"
The Scottishman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!"
With that the Irishman says "You two have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"
;D
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded."Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies."Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."
;D
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Post by BobbyRazzle on Jan 1, 2007 18:37:01 GMT
An Englishman, a Scottishman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old woman steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"Och, this sounds good t'me!," says the Scottishman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "MONEY" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by millions of twenty quid notes.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "NAKED WOMEN" at the top of his voice. At the bottom, there laid lots of naked women!
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
Bloody Beltin'!
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Post by Stan Butler on May 7, 2007 23:02:04 GMT
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George" "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
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Post by Stan Butler on May 7, 2007 23:03:45 GMT
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are driving in the desert, when all of a sudden smoke pours out from the bonnet and their jeep breaks down.
"B*llocks" shouts the Englishman, "what are we going to do now?!!"
Knowing a bit more about cars than the other two, the Scotsman decides to take a look, and decides that nothing can be done.
"Well I don't know about you two" says the Scotsman, "but I'm outta here. There's no way I'm staying in this place to die!" And with that, he gets his stuff together, and starts walking off into the distance.
"Hang on!" shouts the Englishman, who gets HIS stuff together and runs after the Scot.
The Irishman thinks about it for a minute, before deciding what it is he should take with him. Upon doing so, he follows the other two.
Five hours later, and a jeep appears from the distance with a friendly face at the wheel.
"I bet you're glad I found you!!" exclaimed the jeep driver as he got closer.
"Sure are" replied the Englishman, "though we would have been ok for a while yet"
"Oh, why's that?" asked the driver.
"Well" said the Sotsman "I've got loads of drink. So we would have been ok if we got thirsty"
"Yes," said the Englishman "and knowing that, I have brought lots of food and medical supplies"
Impressed, the driver turned to look at the Irishman.
"Why the hell have you brought a car door with you?!!" he exclaimed, looking very puzzled.
"Oh, that's easy" replied the Irishman. "It's in case we get hot, we can wind the window down."
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Post by Grimly Fiendish on May 11, 2007 11:56:47 GMT
They're great!
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Post by Stan Butler on May 11, 2007 14:27:39 GMT
 Kellog's Frosties anyone?  |
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smeg1990
Canned Laughter
Iranuuu! Oovavoo!
Posts: 153
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Post by smeg1990 on Mar 4, 2008 10:59:32 GMT
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsmen were sitting on a roof about to tuck into their dinner
The Englishman opened up his bait box and said - 'Ah crap Cheese sandwiches again! If i get these tomorrow I'm gonna throw myself off this roof!'
The Scotsman opened his box and said - 'Corned Beef sandwiches! Not again! I'm killing myself tomorrow if I get them again!'
The Irishman opened his box and said - 'Ah nuts Ham sandwiches again! I'm gonna throw myself off this roof if i get them tomorrow!'
The next day came, they all got the same sandwiches and killed themselves.
At the funeral the Englishmans wife said - 'If only I didn't make him those cheese sandwiches, he'd have still been here!'
The scotsmans wife said - 'same here!'
and the Irishmans wife said - ' Well I let him make his own sandwiches!' ;D
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Post by The Collector on Mar 4, 2008 17:33:05 GMT
You never get a Welshman in these jokes...
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Post by Zoot on Mar 4, 2008 18:25:13 GMT
There's probably a reason for that..... tempted to say it's because the Welsh have no sense of humour.... but no I could get shot for treason if I should dare suggest such a thing!
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Post by Zoot on Mar 8, 2008 17:22:02 GMT
I missed a trick here.....
It's because the Welsman's already in the pub!
So the joke should go...
An Englishman, A Irishman man & a Scots man walk into a pub. They say hello to the Welshman who plays no further part in the story....
(Thanks Bill Bailey!)
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Post by The Collector on Mar 8, 2008 18:35:40 GMT
I missed a trick here..... It's because the Welsman's already in the pub! So the joke should go... An Englishman, A Irishman man & a Scots man walk into a pub. They say hello to the Welshman who plays no further part in the story.... (Thanks Bill Bailey!) About time...I expected this from you last week...buck up girl!  |
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Post by Zoot on Mar 8, 2008 19:16:06 GMT
sorry...... bit slow off the mark! I get there in the end.....
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Post by Master Shake on Mar 8, 2008 23:13:20 GMT
You never get a Welshman in these jokes... That's coz us Wwlsh are too clever to get mixed up in daft jokes. |
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Post by dougie on Feb 6, 2009 22:12:23 GMT
To add a Welshman.... Four troops, one Scot, one English, a Welshman and an Irishman are captured by the Taliban. They are told they will be killed but can have one final request. Nigel says 'Well, I'd like to watch a morris dancer doing some morris dancing'. Taff says 'I'd like to hear a male voice choir sing 'Land of my Fathers'. Paddy says 'I'd like to see some dancers doing a riverdance'. 'What about you?' the Taliban ask the Scotsman. Jock replies 'Fcuking shoot me first'!!! |
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Post by dougie on Feb 6, 2009 22:18:35 GMT
Slightly unPC.
A Scots, an English and an Irishman go into a pub and the Scotsman says 'Watch this, I'll get us a free drink'. He shouts to the barman 'Three pints queer.' The barman gets annoyed and grabs Jock by the throat and shouts 'Who are you calling a queer?'. Jock says 'No sir, I said three pints here'. The barman apologises and pours them three pints, telling them they are on the house due to the misunderstanding.
They then go to another pub and the Englishman says 'I'll try that'. He shouts to the barman 'Three pints, queer'. Once again, the barman gets upset and threatens violence until the Englishman says 'I said three pints here'. Again the barman apologises and offers them drinks on the house.
They then go to another pub and the Irishman offers to try it out. He goes up to the bar and shouts at the barman
'Three pints, poof!!!'
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