MEN!

[moriarty]

Rules of a True Guy



Rule 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule 2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

Rule 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

Rule 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, you may complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

Rule 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

Rule 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Rule 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

Rule 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

Rule 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Rule 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

Rule 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight partially clothed or naked.

Rule 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.

Rule 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Rule 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Rule 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Rule 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

Rule 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Rule 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, unless she's withholding sex pending your response.

Rule 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Rule 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Rule 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

Rule 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Rule 26: Thou shall not buy a car or motorcycle in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

Rule 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

Rule 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Figure Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[moriarty]

Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women

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1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
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2. Beer stains wash out.
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3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
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4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.
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5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
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6. Beer is never late.
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7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
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8. Hangovers go away.
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9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
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10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
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11. Beer never has a headache.
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12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
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13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
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14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
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15. A beer always goes down easy.
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16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
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17. You can share a beer with your friends.
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18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
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19. Beer is always wet.
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20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
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21. You can have a beer in public.
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22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
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23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
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24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
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25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
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26. Good beer costs less than good women.
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27. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
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28. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.
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29. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
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30. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at halftime.
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31. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother, your ex-wife or her therapist.
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32. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.
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32. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get involved with lawyers.
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32. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.
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32. A beer doesn't make you sleep onthe couch after you've taken six other beers on a picnic.
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32. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you doing?"
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32. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.
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32. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.
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32. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.
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32. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a drive-in movie.

[moriarty]

Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Men

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1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
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2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
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3. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
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4. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
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5. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
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6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
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7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
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8. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
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9. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
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10. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
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11. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
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12. If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
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13. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
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14. A beer doesn't sulk.
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15. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
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16. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
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17. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
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18. A beer doesn't snore.
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19. A beer can't interrupt.
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20. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
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21. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
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22. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
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23. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
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24. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
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25. A good beer is easy to find.
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26. A beer can't pout.
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27. A beer doesn't have a mother.
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28. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
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29. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
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30. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
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31. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
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32. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
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33. A beer doesn't want children.
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34. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
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35. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
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36. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
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37. Hangovers go away.
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38. A beer tastes good.
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39. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
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40. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
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41. A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
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42. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
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43. A beer never needs a shave.
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44. You don't have to let a beer win.
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45. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
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46. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
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47. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
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48. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
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49. A beer will never drink the last beer.
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50. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
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51. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
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52. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
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53. A beer is never temperamental.
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54. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
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55. A cold beer is a good beer.
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56. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
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57. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
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58. A beer won't steal the covers.

[moriarty]

Drinkers' Fault Finding Chart
From: [e-mail] (Nick Vizor)
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet
FAULT: Mouth not open while drinking OR glass being applied to wrong part of face
ACTION: Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Continue, with as many pints as necessary, until drinking technique is perfect

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear
FAULT: Glass empty
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another pint

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle
ACTION: Turn glass the other way up so that open end is pointing towards the ceiling

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet
FAULT: Incorrect bladder control
ACTION: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while complain to owner and demand a pint of beer in compensation.

SYMPTOM: Bar blurred
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another pint

SYMPTOM: Bay swaying
FAULT: Air turbulence unusually high - may be due to darts match in progress
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket

SYMPTOM: Bar moving
FAULT: You are being carried out
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub - if not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped by the Salvation Army

SYMPTOM: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent light strip across it
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards
ACTION: If glass is still full and no-one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and broken teeth
FAULT: You have fallen over forwards
ACTION: As for falling over backwards

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark
FAULT: The pub is closing
ACTION: Panic

SYMPTOM: You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter
ACTION: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie-in

[Stan Butler]

all I need to do now is post this and it sits back at the top off the pile...

[Elvira]

[Elvira]

[Elvira]

the male brain!

[Elvira]

[Elvira]

For all the mums out there.. A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found an e...ven bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was wadded against ..................one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?.. ''Yes," was his incredulous reply.. She answered,. 'Well, today I didn't do it