general jokes

[moriarty]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

[moriarty]

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a billiard ball."
"Well get to the back of the queue."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
"Pull yourself together."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a ten pound note."
"Go Shopping, the change will do you good."

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards."
"Please wait a minute and I'll deal with you."

"Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed the film from my camera."
"We'll just have to wait and see what develops."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a clock."
"OK, just relax. There's no need to get yourself wound up."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dustbin."
"Now you're just talking rubbish."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Sit down and tell me all about it."
"I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture."

"Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory."
"When did this happen?"
"When did what happen?"

"Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing little black spots before my eyes."
"Have you seen a Doctor before?"
"No, just little black spots."

[Stan Butler]

Hang on, this thread's wrong....


Soon sort it









A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windscreen."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"


_________________________________


The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said, "You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts," he explained. "That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those f*cking Indians come from?'"


_____________________________________


The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"


______________________________________


There you go... it does what it says on the tin now!

[Grimly Fiendish]

lmaooooooo

[larffalot]

In the classroom a little girl went out to the teacher's desk and whispered in his ear "Please sir, I've wet myself.."
"You silly girl, " he said, "why didn't you put your hand up?"
She said: "Please sir, I did, but it all came through my fingers."

[Stan Butler]

larffalot said:

In the classroom a little girl went out to the teacher's desk and whispered in his ear "Please sir, I've wet myself.."
"You silly girl, " he said, "why didn't you put your hand up?"
She said: "Please sir, I did, but it all came through my fingers."

Good one!

[porkypies]

A pub Landlord is just ready for locking the doors at night. Next thing he hears a faint tap tap tap on the door. He looks around and can't see anyone.
He then hears a quiet voice saying I'm down here squire. When the landlord looks down he sees a snail.
The snail says, excuse me landlord but is there any chance of a saucer of your fine beer. The landlord then shouts don't feckin bother me and kicks the snail to the end of the street.
A week later the landlord is clearing up again and hears a faint tap tap tap on the door again. When he opens the door there's the snail who shouts up at the landlord, why did you do that ?.

[Stan Butler]

porkypies said:

A pub Landlord is just ready for locking the doors at night. Next thing he hears a faint tap tap tap on the door. He looks around and can't see anyone.
He then hears a quiet voice saying I'm down here squire. When the landlord looks down he sees a snail.
The snail says, excuse me landlord but is there any chance of a saucer of your fine beer. The landlord then shouts don't feckin bother me and kicks the snail to the end of the street.
A week later the landlord is clearing up again and hears a faint tap tap tap on the door again. When he opens the door there's the snail who shouts up at the landlord, why did you do that ?.

One of my favourite jokes that!