Paddy & Mick Jokes!

[bluebottle]

As I am sure we have all heard at least 1 Paddy and Mick joke.
I thought this would be a good place to compile all the various Paddy & Mick jokes.
Some may be GOOD some may be C**P ..

Here are just a few to get the ball rolling.

Paddy & Mick are walking down the street Paddy falls down a hole Mick shouts "Is it dark down there?"
Mick replies " Don't know can't see..."

Paddy & Mick are rowing to America they get half way across th'Atlantic when Paddy says
"Mick I'm bored can we go home and do the other half tomorrow?"

Paddy & Mick are reading headstones in a graveyard
Mick shouts "Bugger me there's one here 152..."
Paddy says "Whats his name?"
Mick replies "Miles from London"

[Lieutenant Columbo]

Okay then:

Paddy: What's Frank's surname?
Mick: Frank who?

(foggy day)
Paddy: Is that the sun or the moon up there?
Mick: Don't ask me - I don't live around here.

(In pub... Mick has an empty glass).
Paddy: Do you want another?
Mick: No - why would I want two empty glasses?

Paddy: I'm thinking of becoming a blacksmith - here, have ye ever shoed a horse?
Mick: No, but I once told a donkey to feck off!


AH bejaysus, there's some graand jykes thurr, sur!



N.

[Dance Commander]

bluebottle said:

Paddy & Mick are reading headstones in a graveyard
Mick shouts "Bugger me there's one here 152..."
Paddy says "Whats his name?"
Mick replies "Miles from London"

I remember that one! xD

[Stan Butler]

Paddy is off on holiday and asks his friend Mick if he wants some fags bringing back. "Yes please" says Mick "I'll have 200 Benson & hedges".

Paddy returns from his hols and hands Mick the fags he asked for "Oh cheers Paddy, how much do I owe yer?" "58 quid" Paddy replies... "F*ckin ell, where did you go?" asks Mick ...."Butlins!"

[Mr Levity]

This was told to me by an Irishman I used to work with. He told the best Irish jokes ever !!

Paddy has a fall at work and breaks his hip. He gets bored very quickly and asks Mick if he'd like to come round one evening for a few beers.

After a while Paddy asks Mick to go upstairs and bring his slippers as his feet are cold. Mick goes up and see Paddy's two gorgeous grown-up daughters getting ready for a night out.

"Yer Dad's sent me up to feck the pair of ya" says Mick.

"Ah, yur a loying b*stard" says one.

"Oi'll prove it, Oi will" says Mick. He calls down : "Paddy, did ya say bot' of dem ?"

"Of course, ya daft get, what's de point of feckin' one ?"

[Mr Levity]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.




The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.




Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.



The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob.


So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.



The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.



And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.



And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.



Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.



Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'

[Mr Levity]

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick tw*ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
f*ck out of you if I could swim!'

[Stan Butler]

Paddy & Mick are in Iraq. Mick steps on a land mine and screams...
"Paddy, Paddy.... I've lost my legs so I have".

Paddy looks and says "You lying f*ker, they're over there!"

[Mr Levity]

Just got an e-mail with these jokes :



Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over' The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two ars*holes.' 'What, he had two ars*holes?!!' said the mortician. 'Yup, everyone knew he had two ars*holes.

Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Ars*holes....'

~@~

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishmen replies angrily, 'you idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

~@~

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'you b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You Fu*king b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'for fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

[Mr Levity]

Paddy and Mick fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Mick said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Paddy said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Mick replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Paddy said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Mick replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Mick said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Paddy said 'Mick - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Mick said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.'

[goodiesgirl]

sean and jack coming out of the pub p*ssed . they don;t have anough money to get home they see a nearby bus garage and decide to break into it and steal a bus . sean goes into the garage . jack is keeping watch out at the gate . sean sees a nice double decker and leaps into the driver seat . he then zooms off towards the gate where jack is waiting . jack looks at the number on the front of the bus and shouts into paddy . you stupid eejit you have a 77 that goes nowhere near us . go back and get a 33 .

p.s that joke comes courtesy of an irish person , me !

[Stan Butler]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in
One of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign
Read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole
Lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune..

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all DA talking cause
If they hear our accents, they might think we’re thickos from Ireland
And try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all DA
Business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll
Take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of
Trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load ‘em on, so
I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".

[robertgr]

Sept 22, 2008 19:56:13 GMT Mr Levity said:

This was told to me by an Irishman I used to work with. He told the best Irish jokes ever !!

Paddy has a fall at work and breaks his hip. He gets bored very quickly and asks Mick if he'd like to come round one evening for a few beers.

After a while Paddy asks Mick to go upstairs and bring his slippers as his feet are cold. Mick goes up and see Paddy's two gorgeous grown-up daughters getting ready for a night out.

"Yer Dad's sent me up to feck the pair of ya" says Mick.

"Ah, yur a loying b*stard" says one.

"Oi'll prove it, Oi will" says Mick. He calls down : "Paddy, did ya say bot' of dem ?"

"Of course, ya daft get, what's de point of feckin' one ?"

[robertgr]

Nov 14, 2008 21:02:24 GMT Mr Levity said:

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.




The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.




Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.



The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob.


So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.



The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.



And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.



And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.



Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.



Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'

Can you send me that joke via text please. My number is 07847762112.

Many thanks.

Rob.