Not enough Python sketches on here SO...
[glow=red,2,300]* Albatross[/glow]
*** from Monty Python live at City Center
Salesman: (shouting) Albatross....albatross....albatross....
albatross....albatross...albatross....albatross....albatross
Man: Two good humors please.
S: I haven't got any good humors, I've just got this bloody
albatross....(shouts) Albatross
M: What flavor is it?
S: It's a bird mate, it's a bloody bird, it's not any bloody
flavor....(shouts) Albatross
M: It's got to be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor.
S: All right, it's blood albatross flavor, it's bloody sea bloody bird
bloody flavor....(shouts) Albatross
M: Do you get wafers with it?
S: Course you don't get bloody wafers with it, it's a bloody albatross
isn't it...(shouts) Albatross
M: I'll have two please.
S: I've only got one you cocksucker....(shouts) Albatross....albatross....
albatross....albatross
[glow=red,2,300]The Bruces[/glow] from Monty Python Live at City Center and Monty Python Live at the
Hollywood Bowl, etc.
Bruce: G'day, Bruce!
Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!
Bruce: How are you Bruce?
Bruce: A bit crooked, Bruce.
Bruce: Where's Bruce?
Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.
Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.
Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!
Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.
Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil
a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly
to herself.
Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.
Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now!
Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?
Bruce: G'day Bruce!
Bruce: Bruce.
Bruce: Hello Bruce.
Bruce: Bruce.
Bruce: How are you, Bruce?
Bruce: G'day Bruce.
Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin'
us this year in the philosophy department at the University of
Walamaloo.
Everybruce: G'day!
Michael Baldwin: Hello.
Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.
Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?
Michael: No, it's Michael.
Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.
Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?
Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we
start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.
Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!
Everybruce: Amen!
Bruce: Crack two! (Bottles opening)
Bruce: Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the
philosophy faculty.
Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey b*stard to God's own Earth, and remind
him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-bates here.
Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!
Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian
philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also
in charge of the sheep dip.
Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?
Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Benton,
Lockholm, Sackly, Millbo, Hasset, and Bernerd.
Bruce: Those are all cricketers!
Bruce: Aww, spit!
Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!
Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!
Bruce: Another two! (Bottles opening)
Bruce: Any questions?
Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?
Bruce: Are you a Poofter?
New-Bruce: No!
Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
Rule One! (Everybruce) No Poofters!
Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any
way at all -- if there's anybody watching.
Rule Three? (Everybruce) No Poofters!!
Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking.
Rule Five, (Everybruce) No Poofters!
Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six.
Rule Seven, (Everybruce) No Poofters!!
Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.
Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in
a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.
Everybruce: Amen!
<And now all four Bruces launch into the Philosopher's song>
Immanuel Kant was a real p*ss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could
think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently p*ssed.
John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was
particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, 'alf a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's p*ssed.
***[glow=red,2,300] The Dead Bishop[/glow]
Mother: (turning off radio) liberal rubbish! Klaus!
Klaus: Yeah?
M: Whaddaya want with yer jugged fish?
K: 'Alibut.
M: The jugged fish IS 'alibut!
K: Well, what fish 'ave you got that isn't jugged?
M: Rabbit.
K: What, rabbit fish?
M: Uuh, yes...it's got fins....
K: Is it dead?
M: Well, it was coughin' up blood last night.
K: All right, I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
voice over: one dead unjugged rabbit fish later:
K: (putting down his knife and fork) Well, that was really 'orrible.
M: Aaw, you're always complainin'!
K: Wha's for afters?
M: Rat cake, rat sorbet, rat pudding, or strawberry tart.
K: (eyes lighting up) Strawberry tart?
M: Well, it's got *some* rat in it.
K: 'Ow much?
M: Three. A lot, really.
K: Well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.
voice over: One slice of strawberry tart without so much rat in it later:
K: (putting down fork and knife) Appalling.
M: Naw, naw, naw!
Son: (coming in the door) 'Ello Mum. 'Ello Dad.
K: 'Ello son.
S: There's a dead bishop on the landing, dad!
K: Really?
M: Where's it from?
S: Waddya mean?
M: What's its diocese?
S: Well, it looked a bit Bath and Wells-ish to me...
K: (getting up and going out the door) I'll go and have a look.
M: I don't know...kids bringin' 'em in here....
S: It's not me!
M: I've got three of 'em down by the bin, and the dustmen won't touch 'em!
K: (coming back in) Leicester.
M: 'Ow d'you know?
K: Tattooed on the back o' the neck. I'll call the police.
M: Shouldn't you call the church?
S: Call the church police!
K: All right. (shouting) The Church Police!
(sirens racing up, followed by a tremendous crash)
(the church police burst in the door)
Detective What's all this then, Amen!
M: Are you the church police?
All the police officers: (in unison) Ho, Yes!
M: There's another dead bishop on the landing, vicar sargeant!
Detective: Uh, Detective Parson, madam. I see... suffrican, or diocisian?
M: 'Ow should I know?
D: It's tatooed on the back o' their neck. (spying the tart) 'Ere, is that rat
tart?
M: yes.
D: Disgusting! Right! Men, the chase is on! Now we should all kneel!
(they all kneel)
All: O Lord, we beseech thee, tell us 'oo croaked Leicester!
(thunder)
Voice of the Lord: The one in the braces, he done it!
Klaus: It's a fair cop, but society's to blame.
Detective: Agreed. We'll be charging them too.
K: I'd like you to take the three body's on the landing into consideration.
D: Right. I'll now ask you all to conclude this harrest with a hymn.
All: All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The church has nicked them all.
Amen.
[glow=red,2,300] Word Association Football[/glow]
Tonight's the night I shall be talking about of flu the subject of word
association football. This is a technique out a living much used in the
practice makes perfect of psychoanalysister and brother and one that has
occupied piper the majority rule of my attention squad by the right number one
two three four the last five years to the memory. It is quite remarkable baker
charlie how much the miller's son this so-called while you were out word
association immigrants' problems influences the manner from heaven in which we
sleekit cowering timrous beasties all-American Speke, the famous explorer. And
the really well that is surprising partner in crime is that a lot and his wife
of the lions' feeding time we may be c d e effectively quite unaware of the
fact or fiction section of the Watford Public Library that we are even doing it
is a far, far better thing that I do now then, now then, what's going onward
christian Barnard the famous hearty part of the lettuce now praise famous
mental homes for loonies like me. So on the button, my contention causing all
the headaches, is that unless we take into account of Monte Cristo in our
thinking George the Fifth this phenomenon the other hand we shall not be able
satisFact or Fiction section of the Watford Public Library againily to
understand to attention when I'm talking to you and stop laughing, about human
nature, man's psychological make-up some story the wife'll believe and hence
the very meaning of life itselfish b*stard, I'll kick him in the balls pond
road.
Taken off the a site but corrected in the case of the last 2 by me
