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Post by bluebottle on Oct 22, 2006 8:35:04 GMT
No Thanks they hurt my throught.....
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Post by moriarty on Oct 26, 2006 22:13:00 GMT
Hey - dese gorillas are strong. Have one of my monkeys - there milder
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Post by moriarty on Oct 26, 2006 22:17:13 GMT
Greenslade: This is the BBC Home Service.
Grams: Wailing.
Greenslade: Oh, come, come, come, come, dear listeners. You know, it's not that bad.
Secombe: Of course not! Come, Mr. Greenslade, tell them the good news.
Greenslade: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have the extraordinary talking type wireless Goon Show.
Grams: Crowd screaming and stampeding.
Secombe: Mmm. Is the popularity waning? Hmmph.
Milligan: Oh ho ho ho ho! Fear not, Neddy lad! We'll jolly them up with a merry laughing type joke show. Stand prepared for the story of Napoleon's Piano. Ho ho ho ho!
Orchestra: Piano and horns mood setting music.
Seagoon: Napoleon's Piano. The story starts in the bad old days, back in April 1955. It was early one morning, and breakfast had just been served at Beaulieu Manor, and I was standing at the window, looking in. With the aid of a telescope I was reading the paper on the breakfast table, when... when suddenly an advertisement caught my eye. It said:
Grytpype: [echoey] Will pay anybody five pounds to remove piano from one room to another. Apply: The Bladders, Harpiapipe, Quants.
Seagoon: In needle nardle noo time I was at the address, and with the aid of a piece of iron and a lump of wood, I made this sound:
Fx: Knocks five times on door.
Moriarty: Sapristi knockos! When I heard that sound I ran downstairs, and with the aid of a doorknob and two hinges I made this sound:
Fx: Door handle turns, door creaks open.
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Post by moriarty on Oct 26, 2006 22:21:31 GMT
Willium: All right, lets start again then. Knock, knock.
Red Bladder: Who's there?
Willium: Cohen.
Red Bladder: Cohen who?
Willium: Cohen answer the door.
Red Bladder: Ah, so your back.
Willium: No, it's me front mate.
Seagoon: You're not going to get any laughs. Let me try and be funny
Willium: That's a laugh for a start, innit.
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Post by moriarty on Oct 26, 2006 22:33:12 GMT
Count Jim "Thighs" Moriarty is a character from the 1950s BBC Radio comedy The Goon Show. He was voiced by Spike Milligan.
Also known as the "the Great Continental Steamer", Moriarty is an impoverished member of the French aristocracy who has turned to crime to support his lifestyle. Despite having carried out many high-paying cons and robberies during the series, he and his criminal counterpart Hercules Grytpype-Thynne always appear to be permanently destitute. With his thick faux-French accent, he is often found scavenging in dustbins looking for food and uttering meaningless foreign-sounding curses like "Sapristi nabolis!", "Sapristi Nyuckles!"
Moriarty is often know to travel closely by Grytpype-Thynne, such as in the same suit or by fish crate because of the devaluation of the Franc but Thynne isn't quite sure
Over the years, Moriarty changed from a rather debonair French mastermind to a cringing sidekick to Grytpype-Thynne who is often disparaging of his manic behaviour, referring to him as a "Steaming French Nit".
There is some suggestion that the character is a parody of the Sherlock Holmes villain, Professor Moriarty. In The Hound of the Baskervilles according to Spike Milligan, a preface by Milligan explains that Sherlock did in fact kill Professor Moriarty, but he 'later became a character in The Goon Show
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Post by moriarty on Oct 26, 2006 22:34:40 GMT
Bluebottle is the name of a comedy character, created and performed by Peter Sellers, from the 1950's British radio comedy series The Goon Show.
Bluebottle, an adenoidally-squeaky voiced boy scout from Finchley, was noted for reading stage directions out loud, and was always greeted with a deliberate round of applause from the audience ("Enter Bluebottle wearing string and cardboard pyjamas. Waits for audience applause. Not a sausage."). As was common with Goon Show characters, Sellers' Bluebottle was paired with a Spike Milligan character — usually Eccles (the third Goon, Harry Secombe, usually stayed in his alter-ego of Neddie Seagoon throughout the show).
According to the Goon Show Companion (page 91) Bluebottle was originally known as Ernie Splutmuscle. In the 3rd series episode of The Man Who Never Was he was cast in a small role. Secombe strides across the ceiling of his club, hurling members to the floor. He bumps into Splutmuscle, who says:
Splutmuscle : No, do not hurl me to the floor.
Seagoon : Are you a member?
Splutmuscle : No, I'm a Bluebottle.
Seagoon : What's that you're reading?
Splutmuscle : A fly-paper.
(This episode was so popular that it was remade twice, with the above scene intact.)
Four shows later, in the episode Greatest Mountain in the World, the script refers to Peter (Bluebottle).
Bluebottle was allegedly based on Ruxton Hayward, a scoutmaster Sellers once met. In an interview with Michael Parkinson, Sellers described trying to keep a straight face while talking with a large red-bearded scout leader who nevertheless spoke in a falsetto voice and had an ingratiating manner
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Post by moriarty on Oct 26, 2006 22:36:58 GMT
Bluebottle reads his stage directions. ("Enters room wearing doublet made from mum's old drawers" or "Enter Bluebottle, waits for audience applause, not a sausage").
Bluebottle would say, "I don't like this game!", especially when he was about to be, or had just been "deaded".
Bluebottle says "You rotten swine you!" when something bad happens to him like being "deaded". At one point in the episode The Sinking of Westminster Pier, he complained that he was always being deaded, and that Eccles never did. This was followed by a second explosion and a call of 'You Rotten Swine Bluebottle!' from Eccles.
Other Bluebottle catchphrases include: "I heard you call me, My Capitaine! " Often in reference to Seagoon.
Variations of "Ooh! Liquorice! I must be careful of how many of them I eat!".
Often in reference to one of the many dangers facing him in various Goon Show episodes: "Harm can come to a growing lad like that!". This latter quote can also be found in two of the many Songs released by the Goons, the Bluebottle Blues, and the Goons own recording of "Unchained Melody".
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Post by moriarty on Oct 26, 2006 22:53:17 GMT
Napoleon's Piano
Seagoon: There. I've sawn off all four legs.
German 1: Strange. The first time I've known of a piano with four legs.
Eccles: Hey! I keep falling down!
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Post by moriarty on Oct 26, 2006 22:55:11 GMT
The Nasty Affair at the Burami Oasis
Grytpype-Thynne: The oasis is only ten feet long, they'll never get a battleship in it.
Moriarty: They could stand it up on one end.
Grytpype-Thynne: The British don't operate that way.
Moriarty: Nonsense. I've seen them walking to work like that!
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Post by The Collector on Oct 27, 2006 10:10:41 GMT
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Post by The Collector on Oct 27, 2006 10:13:18 GMT
FX:
[Metal door slides open]
Henry Crun:
Ooh oh, Minnie?
Minnie Bannister:
What, what, what, whatwhatwhatwhat?
Henry Crun:
Did you hear a gas oven door slam just then?
Minnie Bannister:
Don't be silly, Henry! Who'd be walking around these cliffs with a gas oven?
Henry Crun:
Lady Docker?
Minnie Bannister:
Yes, but apart from the obvious ones, who'd want to...
FX:
[Whoosh! Splat!]
Minnie Bannister:
Oooooooooooohohohohohohohohohohoh... Yeuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Henry Crun:
No, I've never heard of him.
Minnie Bannister:
Help Henry! I've been struck down from behind. Heelp!
Henry Crun:
Mnk - oh dear dear! Poor Minnie! Police! English Police! Law Guardians...
Minnie Bannister:
Not too loud, Henry, they'll hear you.
Henry Crun:
Police of the law.
FX:
[Police whistle]
FX:
[Whoosh!]
Seagoon:
Can I help you, sir?
Henry Crun:
Are you a policeman?
Seagoon:
No, I'm a constable.
Henry Crun:
Oh, what is the difference?
Seagoon:
They're spelt differently.
Minnie Bannister:
Ohhhhhh, help me differently spelt constable.
Seagoon:
Oh! What's happened to this dear old silver bearded lady?
Henry Crun:
She was struck down from behind.
Seagoon:
And not a moment too soon. Congratulations, sir.
Henry Crun:
I didn't do it.
Seagoon:
Coward, hand back your OBE. Now tell me, who did this felonous deed. What's happened to her?
Henry Crun:
It's much too dark to see, strike a light.
Seagoon:
Not allowed in blackout.
Minnie Bannister:
Strike a dark light.
Seagoon:
No madam! Madam we daren't. Why, only twenty eight miles across the Channel the Germans are watching this coast.
Henry Crun:
Don't you be a silly pilly policeman.
Minnie Bannister:
Bravo Henry.
Henry Crun:
Pittle Poo.
Minnie Bannister:
Pittle Poo. They can't see a match being struck.
Seagoon:
Oh, all right.
FX:
[Striking match - bomb whistle - explosion]
Seagoon:
Any questions?
Henry Crun:
Yes, where are my legs?
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Post by The Collector on Oct 27, 2006 10:14:10 GMT
Seagoon:
We tried using a candle, but it wasn't very bright and we daren't light it, so we waited for dawn, and there, in the light of the morning sun, we saw what had struck Miss Bannister. It was... A batter pudding!
Orchestra:
[Dramatic chord]
Henry Crun:
It's still warm, Minnie.
Minnie Bannister:
Oh. Thank heaven, I hate cold batter pudding.
Henry Crun:
Come, dear little Minnie, I'll take you home with me Minnie, I'll give you a hot bath, rub you down with the anti-vapour rub, put a plaster on your back, give your little feet a mustard bath, and then put you to bed.
Seagoon:
Do you know this woman?
Henry Crun:
Devilish man.
Minnie Bannister:
Naughty man!
Henry Crun:
Naughty, naughty, horrible, naughty man! ...Of course I do, this, this is Minnie Bannister, the world famous poker player. Give her a good poker and she'll play any tune you like on it.
Seagoon:
Well, get her off this cliff, it's dangerous. Meantime, I must report this to the Inspector. I'll call on you later, goodbye.
FX:
[Splash]
Seagoon:
As I swam ashore I dried myself to save time. That night I lay awake in my air-conditioned dustbin thinking; now who on earth would want to strike another with a batter pudding? Obviously it wouldn't happen again, so I fell asleep. Nothing much happened that night, except that I was struck with a batter pudding.
Milligan:
It's all rather confusing, really!
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Post by The Collector on Oct 27, 2006 10:15:01 GMT
FX:
[Bagpipes filling up with air and speeding up]
Greenslade:
Listeners may be puzzled by a taxi sounding like bagpipes. The truth is, it is all part of the BBC new economy campaign. They have discovered that it is cheaper to travel by bagpipes. Not only are they more musical, but they come in a wide variety of colours. See your local bagpipe officer and ask for particulars, you won't be disappointed.
Milligan:
It's all rather confusing really...
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chuckstryker
Heckler
"I'm back, bigger, badder and madder than ever".
Posts: 46
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Post by chuckstryker on Oct 27, 2006 13:19:43 GMT
You must all be 'Goons' to like this stuff!
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Post by The Collector on Oct 27, 2006 15:46:16 GMT
FX:
[quill and parchment noises]
Seagoon:
[writing] [garbled] December, 1665. Did rise, betimes. Finding much snow without, did put on my belly binder and warm knees. Sported thereafter with Mrs. Fitzsimmons and did high me later to Ward's coffee house to break my fast.
FX:
[fanfare]
Omnes:
[murmur]
Daisy:
[camp] Oh, good morrow, Master Pepys. Cappuccino?
Seagoon:
No, just coffee, Daisy.
Daisy:
Black or white?
Seagoon:
White, with a dash of milk.
Daisy:
Oh hoho! You tease!
Seagoon:
Now, with whom can I make gossip, this chilly morn? I see nobody, though, and nobody sees me. What a coincident, egad, spon, to be sure, hern hern, hi diddle dee, needle nardle noo, splin splan splon, ying ton iddle-i-po. And remember, you've got to go owwwww!
Grytpype-Thynne:
How very interesting that was.
Seagoon:
I'm sorry, I didn't see you standing in that coffee pot.
Grytpype-Thynne:
I know, we had the lid down.
Seagoon:
We? Where's your friend?
Grytpype-Thynne:
He's up the spout.
Moriarty:
Owwwwww. You got to go owwwww!
Seagoon:
[garbled] He's just been owwwwed.
Grytpype-Thynne:
Yes, it's all the rage! Now, erm, have these two seats been taken?
Seagoon:
No, there still here! Hahahaha! Ahahaha. Ahaha. Ahahaha. Ahaha. Ha-ahem.
Grytpype-Thynne:
A Charlie!
Seagoon:
What-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what? Bwark! What-what-what? Bwark! [chicken noises]
Grytpype-Thynne:
I was only...
Seagoon:
Bwark!
Grytpype-Thynne:
...nearly saying that the other day! This is my friend, Count Jim "Thighs" Moriarty.
Moriarty:
Oww.
Seagoon:
A German diplomat is always welcome in England.
Moriarty:
What? Sapristi knockles! Hairy insult! You insult me, a Frenchman! We must fight a duel.
FX:
[bang bang]
Moriarty:
Honour is satisfied!
Seagoon:
And so am I!
Moriarty:
Tah dah.
FX:
[fanfare]
Moriarty:
Hoy!
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