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[Zoot]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is so materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the crete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.

'The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied....................."You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Mr Levity]

Knittingtendo ?

[Mr Levity]

CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble,
one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through
airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth!
But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~* ~ *~*~* ~ *~*~*
Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well,
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Mr Levity]

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.

[Zoot]

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'



Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?



Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...I'm telling everybody!'



Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'



Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little ********

[Mr Levity]

God decides that two people really aren't enough for the world he's created, so he says to Adam: "Adam, my son, I have a gift for you. "

"Oh goody" says Adam. "Where is it ?"

"First you must go down into the valley" says God.

"What's a valley" asks Adam, who's not very bright.

So God explains what a valley is. "Then you must climb the mountain."

"What's a mountain ?" asks Adam.

So God explains what a mountain is. "Then you must cross the plain."

"What's a plain ?"

So God explains, through gritted teeth, what a plain is. "Then you must cross the river."

"What's a river ?"

"Oh for f*ck's sake, er, I mean, a river is a long stretch of water" says God. "On the other side of the river you'll find a cave." God holds his breath, waiting for the inevitable question.

"What's a.........?"

"It's a bloody hole in a cliff !" says God, tearing out lumps of his hair and wondering if he's made a big mistake. "Inside you'll find a woman, now don't even bother to ask what a woman is, you'll find out when you get there. Now f*ck off and start populating this paradise I spent so long creating for you."

"How do I do that ?" asks Adam, who really is as thick as sh*t.

So God explains exactly what is required and sends him on his way.

So Adam goes down into the valley, climbs the mountain, crosses the plain and the river, and enters the cave.

A couple of hours later he comes back and says to God : " What's a headache ? "

[Mr Levity]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Zoot]

The financial crisis has hit Japan hard.

In the few 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on but having to make severe cuts. Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.

[Mr Levity]

Some of them are quite funny !!!



1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied: 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
' Is it common? '.
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
14 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
16. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.'
17. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
places'.
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
18. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Mr Levity]

Big Croc, Little Croc...



Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the Ottawa River.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said:
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.


'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the House of Commons.'

'Same here. Hmm... How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.



See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole with a briefcase.'

[Mr Levity]

There's always someone worse off than you..................

[Zoot]

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:


4th Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amock. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.
My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?'

And the winner is . . ...

This happened at a major Australian University , during a biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'.

[Mr Levity]

A man says to his wife :"Darling, what would you do if I said I'd won the lottery ?
His wife replies: "I'd take half then leave you!"
The man says :"Great, I got 3 numbers and won a tenner. Here's a fiver - now f*ck off."



A man comes home to find his wife sitting on the doorstep with her suitcase.
"What are you doing ?" he asks.
She looks at him and replies: " I'm waiting for a taxi. I've heard that I can earn £200 a time for what you get for nothing."
The man runs off and comes back within a few minutes, carrying his own suitcase."
"What the f*ck do you think you're doing ?" she demands.
"I'm coming with you", he replies.
"What ?"

"Well" says the man, "I want to see how you survive on £400 a year ."

[Mr Levity]

A husband and wife are in Tesco, and the man picks up a pack of Stella.

"What are you doing ?" demands the wife.

"They're on offer at £10 for 24" says the man.

"You know we can't afford it, put them back."

A few aisles later, she picks up a small jar of face cream.

"What the hell do you think you're doing ?" asks her husband.

"It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful" explains the woman.

"So do 24 cans of Stella, and they're half the f*cking price !"

[Mr Levity]

Christmas is just two f*cking deer !!