Email us your jokes!

[Mr Levity]

[Zoot]

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.


5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £200.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available.)

[Zoot]

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

;D

[Mr Levity]

Dear All

I am trying to find anyone wanting a share in half a racehorse? I have been given the opportunity to buy a race horse but haven't got the funds at the moment so I wondered if any of you would like to buy a share in my half of the horse.
I have attached a video picture of 'Stormin Norman' in full gallop (see below). If you are interested give me a call to discuss details


Cheers

[Mr Levity]

Subject: Fw: Re: Thank you letter

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School
Principal's office after the school had sponsored a
luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio
at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank
you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today


" Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
Senior Citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for
the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone
and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a
forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio but,
before I received one, she would never let me listen to
hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke
into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She
asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to f*ck
off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna

[Zoot]

WARNING

If you receive an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tinned pork - delete it - it's only spam.

;D

[Stan Butler]

Beware - Warn everybody

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Aldi customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer
them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Aldi. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this weekend.

P.S. Aldi has wallets on sale $2.99 each.

[Mr Levity]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'
Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

[Zoot]

[Mr Levity]

This is something to think about when someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable..


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who f**ked up your hair?"

[Mr Levity]

Subject: Relaxation to relieve stress


Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.



There!! See? You feel better already. You're smiling. Life IS good !!!



Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique

[Mr Levity]

Not a joke as such, but very topical:


Subject: The MP's reply in verse



I want a floating duck house

I want to clear my moat

I need to mend my tennis court

That’s why I need your vote.



I have to build a portico

My swimming pool needs mending

My lovely plants need horse manure

And the Aga needs much tending



A chandelier is vital

Mock Tudor boards are great

My hanging baskets won awards

And I’ve earned a tax rebate.



I need a glitter toilet seat.

My piano so needs tuning

Maltesers help me stay awake

And my orchard must need pruning



I could have said the rules were wrong

And often thought I should,

But somehow it was easier

To profit all I could



The public really have to see

That the rules are there to test

And by defrauding taxpayers

We were just doing our best



The Speaker of the House has gone,

Our sacrificial beast,

But the public are still braying

For our corpses at the feast



What do the public want from us,

Those vote-wielding ingrates?

They really should be grateful

To be financing our estates.



The message is so very clear,

(we’re merely learning late)

That the British way of living well

Is to screw the bloody state.

[Mr Levity]

A friend of mine went to a dinner party last night, where she and

other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. She awoke this morning

not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like

symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc.



From the results of some initial testing, she has unfortunately

tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This

debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an

isolated case.



Reports are flooding in from all around the neighborhood of

others diagnosed with Wine Flu.



To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale

signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.



However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD



and take some Nurofen [Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that

has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu]. Others are

reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.



Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can

be irradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then

further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the

original dose has been shown to do the trick.



Good

luck,

[Zoot]

I think I've had a dose of that..... ;D

[Zoot]

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was p*ssed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7.. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.