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Post by Mr Levity on Jul 20, 2009 19:50:11 GMT
The future of Nursery Rhymes:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct
It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh shit, it's Global Warming
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
.But she didn't wear that one often
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
'twas Little Boy Blue with a horn.
Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
'What have u got there?'
Said the pieman unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cos he was gay.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his front teeth are missing
Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white and whispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now its black and crispy
Hey Diddle, Diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock.
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead...
And when she was good,
She was very very good,
But when she was bad
She got a fur coat, jewels, a
Waterfront condo and a sports car.
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Post by Mr Levity on Aug 17, 2009 20:19:56 GMT
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
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Post by Mr Levity on Sept 7, 2009 20:55:11 GMT
Shamelessly nicked from another forum. (I'll leave you to guess which one )
(Best to read out loud with Jamaican accent)
This man from the Jamaican country had lost his house and all his crops after a hurricane. He had nothing left but his donkey.
After days of being miserable, and not being able to find a job, he took his donkey into the city and put up a sign that read 'Betting $10.00 that this donkey could answer any question yuh ask.'
One man come up saying: 'No way that ass could tell me how much numbers in a phone number?' The owner said 'Tell him ass?' The donkey stomp on the ground seven times, the man paid and walked away shocked.
Ah next man come up and say 'Tell me how much players make up a football side?' The donkey stomp the ground eleven times.' The man paid up.
By now, news spread like wild fire and nuff people gather around to see this smart ass.
This woman come out of the crowd, walk up to the owner and said 'You is ah fraud and ah bet $100.00 he cyan tell me meh age.'
The donkey step back, leh go a loud fart and stomp he foot two times. The woman faint.
After some smelling salts and water, she revive and point at de donkey and say, 'He know ah was farty-two'..
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Post by Zoot on Oct 29, 2009 13:41:16 GMT
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
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Post by Zoot on Jan 10, 2010 17:58:15 GMT
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Post by Mr Levity on Jan 18, 2010 13:24:53 GMT
Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...
So I just switched the heads.'
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Post by Mr Levity on Feb 13, 2010 17:53:51 GMT
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University , has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Mr Levity on Feb 13, 2010 18:01:15 GMT
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
;D
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Post by Mr Levity on Jan 17, 2012 21:20:04 GMT
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then, they kick him in the ice hole.  |
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