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[Mr Levity]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger..

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief
nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful
blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, butI will still kill you in two
days.

What is your second request?'


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more
attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,


'I'd like to speak to my horse,.... alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.


Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully "for.... the.... last....f**king time,

I said.....
'BRING
POSSE' "

[Mr Levity]

[Mr Levity]

Now you know how they make them !

[Zoot]

This takes a bit of reading, but it's worth it!

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.


Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[Mr Levity]

I got all these today. Here goes..........................

[Zoot]

The Hot Air Balloonist!

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below.

He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am".

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon,
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're
between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and
60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told
me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of
your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a
large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've
no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to
solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's
my bloody fault.."

[Stan Butler]

WARNING




I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams





but this one is worth knowing about.





I walked into B&Q at lunchtime yesterday,

and some old guy dressed in a black shirt wearing an orange apron

asked me if I wanted decking.





Fortunately, I got the first punch in and

sorted the b*stard out.

[Zoot]

Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work
its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

[Zoot]

Duck walks into a bar, goes up to the barman...

Duck: Excuse me mate, you got any bread?
Barman: Sorry mate I don't have any bread.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Erm, no, I just said...
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No, I told you!!!.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me one more time I'll nail your beak to the bar!!!!!!
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: NO!!!!!!!

Duck: Got any bread?

[Mr Levity]

;D PML. ;D

[Zoot]

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3 Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

[Zoot]

For the women of this forum:

The Why's of Men

WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius

WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
they don't have enough time

WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
they don't stop to ask directions

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock

WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties

WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
don't know......it never happened

WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'



A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you...


;D

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor




Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough



Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'

[Zoot]

In the interest of fairness, one for the blokes!

[Zoot]

Side effects of alcohol and their remedies

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

7. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

Cheers

[Mr Levity]

A few assorted jokes:

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger hair kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry , that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

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